Methopath humor

english jokes

Clinton, Perot & Dole on Airforce One.....

Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy."

Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."

Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

Prayers Answered.....

A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA", hey decided to send it to President Clinton. Bill was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95."

Clinton & Quenn Elizabeth.....

One day President Clinton was visiting Queen Elizabeth and she decided to take him for a tour of London in the Royal Carriage. Now the carriage was being pulled by six Royal Stallions and one of them suddenly passed gas. It sounded like a twenty one gun salute it was so loud. The smell permeated the inside of the carriage and the Queen was totally devastated.

"I appoligize profusely for the terrible smell inside the carriage", she said.

"Oh, that's alright", said the President, for a minute there I thought it was the horse.

A Mugger.....

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Top 5 reasons computers must be female.....

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4.Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Monica Lewinsky virus.... .

Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Mike Tyson virus.....

Quits after one byte.

Woman & Computers.....

What's the difference between a woman and a
computer?

The woman doesn't accept the three and a half
inch floppy.

Golfing.....

One day a man named Bob was playing a round of golf with the Pope.One the first hole,Bob hits the ball into a sand trap "Damn, I missed." says Bob.The Pope says,"you shouldn't say that it is bad.
Later on in the day on the ninth hole Bob hits the ball into the water."Damn, I missed."says Bob again.The Pope says,"Don't say that, next time you do, God will strike you down with a lightning bolt."
Close to the end of the day on the last hole,Bob hits it an inch short of the hole."Damn, I missed."says Bob once again.The Pope looks into the sky as the clouds start to split apart.Then a lightning bolt comes down from heaven, striking and killing the Pope.God's voice echos,"Damn, I missed."

Two law partners......

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch.
In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."
His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

A Date.....A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

A Burglar.....A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Breaking Up.....I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"

Women are like hurricanes..... : Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come, they are wild and wet. When they go, they take your house and car with them.

Prescription.........

One guy goes to a doctor and says: 'Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?' The doctor replies, 'Try to come home at 3 in the morning!'